long and boring entry..please do not bother to read..just me ranting..
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
just couldn't wake up this morning after 3 long nights of piggish sleeping..work was good because i got to know the people and were able to make small talk with them..but life is going to be hell from now on..my mother is in her frustratingly, irritated mood..that is..frustrating to me and my sis..she can scold us for whoever knows what..and it's damn irritating! i hate it!!!!!!!
don't you sometimes wish you could just pack your bags leave and yet have enough money and love..sigh..but that will never happen because it is not meant to be like this in the first place..all things click perfectly in this world of ours..
thinking about it..being a mother is not good..you do all the housework if there were no maid..you make sacrifices(e.g. giving ur child something you want-like you'd like to eat the chicken wing but no..u have to give it to your child because you love him/her and have to settle for some other disgusting part of the chicken)..you have to discipline your child for his/her own good with only a sulky face in return..you have to help your child when he has a problem but not vice-versa..and many many more stuff i wouldn't like to do..i wonder whether mothers break down and cry sometimes like lynette does in the desperate housewives..it's just so tough being a mum..worst of all..you have to do all of the above without expecting anything in return..thinking about it..all mums are great..no matter how angry you get at them..you have to remember that they do not deserve you shouting or throwing your temper at them..
sigh..but it's tough..pretty sad now..used to have puaysian to talk to in the past whenever i was down..made him crack some joke for me..most of the time it wasn't funny..but i was cheered up because he tried so hard..it's funny how you don't treasure stuff you have in front of you until they're gone..
if you ask me to judge how much i've changed since i was a child..i can tell you that i've change for the worse..i used to be a rather strong and independent child in the past..whenever i got scolded or beaten by my parents..i would suck it all up and told myself to stop crying..when i got scolded by my teacher in front of everyone..i'd not cry no matter what..during napfa (it was only 1.6km in pri sch), when my friends stopped because they were too tired..i carried on by myself..
it all started changing in sec sch..maybe hormones playing up bah..stop being that strong..or maybe i found out that there were many people around me better than me in many other ways..couldn't control my emotions that well..but i had a happy exciting sec sch life so it didn't really matter.. i carried on running when i was tired during napfa..then i met puaysian in sec 3..was really happy then..felt so excited everytime we met at paya lebar mrt with no idea where we would be going..as the relationship went on..he told me that i could tell him any problems of mine..i wasn't used to sharing problems..i kept them all inside me and being the strong person i was..i didn't break down..but slowly i let him know all my problems..over time..i went to him with any problems..everytime i felt sad..i'd cry then go to him to be comforted..
and so..i became a weakling..jc came..i was taking triple science and my grades were very sucky..it was very hard to not be depressed when you were surrounded by people who didn't try and yet got excellent grades! decided to drop physics on my own accord to pull up my socks..yet i scored an excellent 29/100 for chemistry in my first major paper after that..wth..i still remembered asking my friend whether there were any more papers to add up..and my friends told me, 'THAT"S THE FINAL SCORE.' oKIE..she didn't shout..but i swear that my eardrums suddenly became very sensitive..went into a major state of depression after that..all night all i could do was cry..in the morning when i went to school..i was so sleepy..i slept during lectures and tutorials and ended up feeling angry with myself..so i started crying again at night..it was mad i tell you..had puaysian to drag me out of that never-ending tunnel that i was winding deeper into..so i really have to thank him for my a level results..napfa became a torture for me! i got tired during 2.4 run..my friends said let's stop and wait for the rest to run another round and then we'll cheat one round..but the whole group were waiting for us to run another round before starting another..haa..embarrassing and a waste of energy to act tired..
but now..when i'm depressed..do i have people to turn to? nope..'cause i remembered not sharing any problems with anyone save for puaysian..maybe it's time for me to build my walls again and be strong..i'm not sure..but it's tough..
it's been a long time since i chatted with puaysian on the phone..only way to talk to him is online..but i can't really say all i want to say online..not sure why too..it's tough lar..i know why i have friends who have boyfriends who do not treat them well but yet they choose to stick with them..losing someone that close is real tough..and it's not easy to change your life so easily in an instant..
turning into a freak..sigh..this break of 8 months from studying is supposed to be a joyous period..i better do something 'bout it before i waste the whole time!
well..to be positive..my next long entry will be about the happier times in my life..please make sure i write that or you'd better shake me to my senses..
